How To Cope With An Anxious Attachment Style

Attachment style principals teach that the way we behave in our relationships directly corresponds to the way in which we were loved and supported as children. 

Anxious attachment style in particular is one of the most common attachment styles that present in my coaching practice. 

 

Anxious attachment shows up as:

  •  a deep feeling of insecurity
  • a strong need for approval
  • an insatiable urge to seek validation from your partner

 

This is the attachment style I’ll focus on today, but if you love this topic, please write to me and we can dive deeper into the other attachment styles in the future! 

 

I have had in recent months so many women struggle with managing a deeper fear and a sense of abandonment that can show up seemingly out of nowhere when they’re dating or in a relationship with someone where they’re really starting to feel a connection.

 

The anxious attachment style principal says that when we grow up feeling a sense of instability and emotional unavailability from our parents or caregivers, there’s a part of us that doesn’t know how to fully trust, causing overwhelm in dating and relationships. 

Those of us with an anxious attachment style didn’t get the emotional consistency from our caregivers to get our needs of love, stability, and attention met. 

Since intimacy exposes the cracks within each of us, those of you with an anxious attachment style will get triggered in ways that stir up this dormant anxiety, activating a deep sense of fear at varying levels, and perhaps add to a feeling of insecurity and abandonment that shows up within the relationship. 

This can be further validated by our partner’s attachment style. For example, if you have a partner that avoids you when you’re feeling this way, it can become a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break free from. You’re scared they’re going to leave and if they have an avoidant attachment style, they’ll try to get away and avoid the conversation. 

I definitely have had this sort of self-fulfilling prophecy play out for many years of my life. If I got clingy and scared, my partner would go running for the hills. As I learned to recognize this unhealed part within me, I learned how to own it instead of hiding from it in shame.

  I began to really know and understand the deeper fears that were driving me to push away the love I truly wanted.

I learned how to share my experience openly and from my heart.

I then learned how to break the cycle that caused me to be unsuccessful in my intimate relationships.

As I healed my anxious attachment style, my partner became more aware and inspired to also face his avoidant style.

Since the feminine energy silently takes the energetic lead, it creates the space for a deep and joyful healing with the masculine too. 

 

How To Cope With Your Anxious Attachment Style

 

  1. Recognize If This is You

 

If you’re activated in your relationship in this way, it’s key to recognize it!

This is what allows you to start to face it, to heal it, and get your needs met in a loving supportive relationship.

 

As I learned that my instincts were to cling, to pull at his pants leg, only later to feel terrible and ashamed of myself, I stopped reacting to this instinct within me because I learned to recognize what was happening. 

 

In the beginning of my own healing I would have to literally pull myself away, reminding myself that I was not willing to compromise my dignity and self respect for a relationship. I knew deep down that I could never be happy that way. 

 

Recognizing your tendencies and instincts is key. It’s only through this ability that you can take your power back and choose a new direction. 

 

2. Stop Catastrophizing

 

If you’re an anxious attachment style, it may be difficult for you to hear any concern from a man you’re in a relationship with or interested in. You may immediately make it mean something bad about you, a deficit, an inadequacy, another piece of evidence supporting that you’re not good enough or worthy of love. 

 

If you don’t recognize the patterns within yourself, you’ll start reacting to this deeper fear and make something small into something huge. 

 

As you get better at intimately knowing yourself, you’ll stop reacting and catastrophizing the concerns a man is sharing. You’ll instead learn ways to breathe through it, trust in yourself, and recognize that getting defensive, angry, or letting any painful emotion take over, isn’t going to get you what you want. What then happens is often the opposite! He starts to feel safe talking to you, opening his heart, and you build the emotional consistency needed for a man to fall in love. 

 

If you feel like there is something to talk about, you’ll be able to pause and do it from a place of strength within yourself rather than from a place of fear outside of yourself. 

 

3. Build A New Way

 

If you follow steps one and two, then you’re on the way to creating a new path for yourself. 

It takes 30 days minimum of consistency to start carving a new neural pathway in our brains. 

If you’re looking for evidence to support your deepest fears in your relationship, what we seek we will find on a certain level. Shift where you’re focused and quiet your ego that’s telling you to prepare constantly for the worst case scenario. Instead consciously move into thoughts that create a sense of gratitude, enoughness, and move into activities that allow you to settle as you adapt to not reacting from a place of fear. 

 

As you practice building a new way, you will build discipline and consistency steadily until you’ve created an entire new way of being. Because you will be responding from a space of beautiful empowerment within you, you’ll draw in or re-attract a high quality man because you’ve accessed the high-value woman buried underneath her anxious attachment style. You will feel confident, capable, and will have accessed your innate sensitivity that will draw in the love you want. 

 

If you could use some support in your unique situation to bring your partner close again, check out my How To Attract Your Ex Back program here. This program comes with a week of personalized guidance from me!

 

Love,

Jen

 

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1 Comments

  1. Maddy on 03/03/2021 at 20:12

    I love this post 🙂 I would love to read more about coming into your feminine energy while anxiously attached to then move into secure attachment. But at the same time getting your needs met in a relationship too.

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