Stop Settling For Less

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Rationalizing ways to take less than what you deserve in intimacy is quite easy to do, especially if we’re weighed down by a lot of negative emotions from our past.

Guilt, shame, and low self worth are common feelings that leave us in a cycle of not showing up fully for ourselves as whether we’re conscious of it or not, we’re playing out a belief that we don’t deserve better. 

I remember a time early in my marriage, as I saw all the things I did to contribute to the lack of connection with my husband, I could easily get caught in a cycle of guilt. 

Instead of making meaningful and impactful shifts, I wasted a lot of energy beating up on myself instead. I rationalized taking crumbs because on some level I believed I deserved it. 

It was when I forgave myself for not knowing any better and empowered myself to do better, that I raised the bar within myself. 

Once I decided to show up and do my best with where I was at that moment, while surrendering any attachment to a specific outcome, I began to feel safe holding space for myself.

I learned how to share my truth and use my voice to speak up when I wasn’t being treated in a considerate or fair way. 

Once I gave myself permission to stop settling for less, my husband and those around me felt this.

I wasn’t this scared little girl anymore waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I was realizing that I couldn’t live in fear or take scraps because I was scared of losing him. As I grew stronger in this way, my whole relationship changed. 

I went from feeling totally unloved and misunderstood to deeply cherished and seen. 

In today’s newsletter, I want to share three ways you can bring deeper attention to your tendencies so that you too can stop settling for less. 

  1. Are You Love Starved? 

When I say loved starved what I mean by this is, having a tendency to put on rose colored glasses and only be willing to see what it is you want to see.  

I invite you to be radically honest with yourself and lean into seeing everything! 

It is from here that you won’t  bypass seeing who a man fully is because you’re feeling love starved or are holding a belief that this is your only chance.

 We want to hold space for ourselves and trust the innate wisdom and intuitiveness we hold within. 

What do we feel?

Are we rationalizing bad behavior or are we truly opening ourselves up to love from a space of abundance and possibility? 

2. Notice The Sneaky Ways We Rationalize Bad Behavior 

The instinctive tendency for women is to internalize bad behavior.  Why? It can give one a sense of control if they put all the blame upon themselves. 

When we rationalize bad behavior, we don’t have to accept what is. We create a limbo land where we may feel gagged and stuck, yet don’t have to face reality fully. 

We are seeking a way to avoid feeling pain, rejection, or abandonment.

It’s in this avoidance of facing what is that we  allow ourselves to fall into patterns of waiting and making excuses for why he isn’t able to fully show up for us. 

If this sounds familiar, where can you be fully in this moment and radically accept what is gooing on right now? 

Where can you be brave enough to risk letting him go and fully choose yourself to say yes to the love you long for? 

It’s in taking this risk that we are now opening ourselves up to receive the blessings that are meant for us in life. 

3. Express Yourself And What You Need

Expressing ourselves and what we need is always okay from a calm and clear mind. 

 I know that speaking up and setting boundaries can feel quite hard for many of you!

Or you might be the type of person to use “boundaries” as a way to hide and not have to feel vulnerable in expressing yourself fully and authentically. 

I tend to fall into the latter where I can set a strong boundary to avoid having to feel vulnerable.  I used to put up so many walls while calling them boundaries as a way to not have to face my emotions. 

I’ve learned to catch this tendency in myself and instead communicate my feelings. 

I share when I feel scared or when something is feeling challenging for me.

Expressing ourselves is a balance in this way, we need to be able to hold space and use our voice to speak up for what it is we need to be of our highest quality from a space of clarity and truth. 

We also need to call ourselves out when we’re avoiding or hiding and to be courageous enough to share what’s alive in our heart with a trustworthy man.

Your discernment is key. 

I would love to hear how this supports you! I have opened up two spots next week on my calendar for an introductory call! Book a 1:1 call with me to get deep clarity on your situation and feel confident on how you can best move forward. 

Love,

Jen

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