Three Ways To Set Boundaries In Your Relationships

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Setting clear and firm boundaries can be one of the most challenging areas for women.

Most of us have been taught to put everyone else’s feelings above our own and before you know it, we don’t know what we need, let alone how to ask for it!

I remember when I was first learning to address my people-pleasing tendencies and learning the skills to communicate what I wanted without taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings. 

It took practice and a lot of awareness in learning how to unapologetically own what was best for me. 

I had to get used to asking myself what I wanted and what the fear was in communicating it. 

I started with simple things as I began learning how to communicate my boundaries when my oldest son was a baby:

“I need to go take a walk and take a break.”

The old me would have powered through and tried to be the perfect amazing mother who never gets rattled or in need of a break. 

Playing this “role” felt exhausting and I was building more and more resentment by not communicating clearly what I needed or wanted. It was also rooted in low self-worth, therefore overcompensating for the lack of confidence I had within myself at that time. 

As I advanced, I put my needs and desires out there more boldly and didn’t really care too much about the outcome.

I realized that simply speaking my truth was empowering and uplifting.

If my husband or the other person said no I would find a way to take care of myself and honor what was needed for me in the moment.

I then learned how to approach what I needed directly instead of suppressing, repressing, explaining it away, or distracting myself from what was deep down gnawing at my heart. 

 

Three Ways To Set Boundaries In Any Relationship

  1. Get Clear On How You Want To Feel

It’s common for people to focus more on what they don’t want than what it is they actually want! Let the joy of connecting to what feels right and good for you lead the way. 

What makes you feel happy, light, and free? Even if it’s just for a moment.

Example:

I had this recognition again recently on a day when I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I wanted alone time to decompress.

I drew myself a salt bath, turned my phone off, and returned to my senses.

I simply sank into how I wanted to feel, which was calm, centered, and more grounded.

As I sank deeper into this intention and the experience I created for myself to support it, I began to feel this way. I was able to move past the challenges of the day that my masculine energy was stuck on fixing and let it all go.

I gave myself permission to feel the way I wanted which required focus and the dropping off of what didn’t support it.

I ended up having a joyful evening and a great night of sleep by focusing on what I wanted, yet more importantly, by focusing on how I wanted to feel.

2. Speak Your Truth

I invite you to own what it is you’re feeling and wanting. I have seen so many women say one thing when they mean another. 

When asked what you want, do you answer that you don’t know or that you’re fine with whatever?

It’s okay sometimes to not have a preference, but if you find yourself responding this way on a regular basis, then I invite you to examine this more closely. 

It may seem innocent enough at the moment, but going along to get along all the time can lead to feeling resentment and a sense of heaviness within. 

Examples:

I would love to go to x restaurant, or I would love x type of food. 

I’d love to go out rather than ordering in tonight. 

I’d like to attend together rather than meet there. 

Then from there, no matter what happens, you spoke to what felt right and best for you in these seemingly small moment to moment decisions. 

Over time, you’ll learn what the other person is open to and capable of, then decide if it’s a good fit for you. 

Watch your resentment and people-pleasing tendencies fade away as you take more and more ownership towards your truth!

3. Release Responsibility For Everyone Else’s Feelings 

I always invite clients to check in with themselves and ask:

Am I saying anything unkind, disrespectful or unnecessary? If the answer is no, then release the responsibility of managing others’ emotions!

Notice your tendency to want to step in and make sure everyone is feeling safe, happy, or satisfied! Instead allow the space for others to adjust to your new healthy boundaries and work through them without assistance. 

When we allow the space for men as well as other people in our lives to work through their feelings, they tend to find a solution and move on.

When we try to fix, take responsibility, or over-accommodate, then we miss a real opportunity for growth and connection, as they then tend to stay stuck in it and place the responsibility on the person willing to take the blame. 

This will allow you to truly spread your wings and fly in the most empowering way. No longer are you the woman that has to fix, solve, please, or make it all happen. 

If you would like to work specifically with me on boundaries and why they are critical in love, join the waitlist for my new group coaching program!

I have a section devoted to this and have found even the most direct women have the opportunity to grow in this area!

Love,

Jen

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