What To Do When He’s Entered Avoidant Mode

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For those of you that know a little about me and my story, you know that my husband and I mastered the anxious avoidant dynamic in the early years of our marriage.

During this chaotic period, I didn’t have any tools in my toolbox to deal with the triggers and hard hitting emotions when they showed up!

I ran off of pure instinct to realize later that I actually wanted to be doing the exact  opposite. 

Love is deeply counterintuitive.

It feels like our life is at risk when we’re in the thick of it, yet we must be able to self regulate to break out of unhealthy patterns. 

If you are in a situation where a man withdraws and it triggers your abandonment wound, I want to give you three ways you can show up for yourself. 

A woman that is high value knows how to show up and take care of herself regardless of what he is doing or not doing. 

We must be able to regulate our nervous systems and stay present for ourselves to invite in safety, deeper healing, and a WILLINGNESS within him to show up and challenge his patterns too. 

  1. Shift The Ego’s Perception

When a man has gone into avoidant tendencies, we must recognize how our ego is perceiving this distance. 

If we have an abandonment wound, we will experience this quite viscerally as the ego is seeing this from the perspective of a child being left all alone. 

This is why recognizing the ego’s story around this is key.

In my own life, that meant really recognizing the stories my ego created around his distance and calling this out. I would say things to myself such as:

You literally just made that up..

You have no solid facts that this is true..

You’re reacting to yourself right now by entertaining these thoughts…

It is critical that we don’t succumb to the temptation of being lured into the head and indulging all the different reasons the ego is demanding an immediate solution. 

Doing something from a space of urgency will be incredibly short sighted and potentially have quite negative long term consequences. 

We must often allow things to be as they are in such moments, which can often mean unclear, messy, and uncomfortable.

 Through this acceptance we can learn the skills to take care of ourselves.

It’s here from a more grounded and centered space that we can be with what is and trust that there is a healing that occurs within this practice.

2. Be In Your Feminine Through Stillness 

Do absolutely nothing that looks like chasing in any way!

Tend to yourself and create space and stillness within yourself.

Your feminine energy and essence  will be felt and will draw him close again!

When you step into a more masculine space, he is not curious or inspired to do this.

He must feel free to make the choice to fully choose you. 

Being able to regulate your emotions is also necessary for him to value you!  I invite you to choose life affirming activities such as getting out in nature versus life depleting activities like scrolling, googling, or going down rabbit holes of any sort. 

When I did this in my own relationship and did it authentically rather than to “get” a result, he felt this.

He shifted too. He became willing to meet me halfway. 

He knew on a felt level that I was showing up for myself.

I was showing up to stop the doing, the clinging, the grasping, and the needing from him. He became more sensitive and protective of my heart. 

In the beginning this looked like:

-Hey, I’ll be home in just a bit( rather than leaving and having no idea when he’d be back).

-I’m here, I just need space tonight and we can talk tomorrow.

-I won’t shut down like that anymore, I’ll tell you what’s going on and what I need. (And then holding himself accountable to this.)

 

   These little shifts lead to massive changes and beautiful healing.

        

   This starts with your willingness to show up differently and your persona commitment to breaking the cycle. 

  1. Slow Down

When he does start to come around, it is key that we don’t start rushing him.

You may feel the urge to tell him everything that’s been on your mind and to unload all of your pent up desires and needs. 

Instead, I invite you to be fully present with him rather than viewing such periods as an opportunity to get a need met. 

If we are subtly pushing within periods he moves in closer, he will have a lower capacity to hold connection with you without resistance. 

We want to instead strengthen this window and have it feel safe and free. 

This means meeting him where he is, surrendering any kind of agenda and working on becoming more securely attached within ourselves. 

When I became more securely attached within myself, I learned how to trust myself, appreciate myself. I also grew in resiliency and used my voice to communicate truth instead of distorting it out of fear. 

This foundation I created within myself was incredibly empowering and healing to our union.

I’ve said before in many ways this was an incredible gift and inspired me to walk more fully in my unique expression.

I want nothing more than for you to also be in your fullest expression and feel deeply safe and seen in love. 

If you would like support on your unique situation, book an Introductory Call with me here! 

Love,

Jen

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