Why Too Much Complaining Is Toxic


As women most of us naturally love to connect and share. The way we do this though is very different than the way men do this.
So often we just share what we are thinking and feeling without paying much attention to it.
If you are anything like me, this is especially true when something is bothering you. The tendency can be to really want to focus in on it and talk about it.

Masculine energy men are not able to connect to a woman in this way. Other women however definitely can connect and bond when talking about something for an extended period without coming up with any solution or conclusion.

Masculine energy men are looking for a solution.

When we are just complaining by sharing concerns without looking for a solution, he doesn’t know what to do with that.
He will be wanting to find a way to help you, yet so often when a woman is complaining she isn’t looking for a solution, she is just looking to feel heard!

She will day no to all of his solutions not realizing the frustration she is creating on his side.

I remember I used to do A LOT of complaining early in my marriage. It would be anywhere from small things that happened throughout the day to sharing really painful feelings that were complicated from childhood.
For the first year of my marriage, I thought this was what he and I were supposed to do. I thought that he should want to help me feel better and be that source of support.
I was so wrong.
Over time, my habit of complaining started to disconnect my relationship.
I didn’t understand that my complaining made him feel helpless and like a failure.

I didn’t know that it made him feel like he couldn’t make me happy.

I didn’t know it was affecting his self esteem and self worth.
I was just venting in my mind so why was there such a disconnect? Eventually he completely lost the desire to step up and
make me happy.

The answer is because it became clear to him that this was not actually possible.
I found myself in a situation with a husband that felt so far away and distant.

It was like a different person- he felt like a stranger.
So what did I do to try and get him to snap out of it?
Complained more.
Needless to say- this was definitely not the right way to go in restoring the love and intimacy in my relationship.

Once I learned about the energy between the masculine and feminine, I saw the damage all of my complaining did in my relationship.

I knew that this had to change or I would no longer be married to the man I loved deeply.
So that is where I started.
I stopped complaining.
I started to show up differently and became more aware of myself. I started taking better care of myself physically and emotionally instead of asking him to fill me up.
I had to break my habit of making him be my sounding board for everything.
I started to connect with old girlfriends again and bond with them in the ways that I couldn’t with him because he is not a woman!
This was not because there was a problem- but because I am with a masculine energy man. I had to realize that he can’t be my best girlfriend too.
As I made these changes, I dealt with difficult emotions that came up: anxiety, fear, anger, and sadness over the state of where things were.
I took ownership for my part and started cleaning up my mess through my actions and not words.
After a couple weeks, I started to see some life trickle back into the relationship.
When he did step up I remained open and soft.

I was kind and authentically happy.
This allowed him to then feel safe to move a little bit closer again.
Over time, this became a beautiful dance that healed my marriage.

Three Ways To Start Healing Your Relationship Right Now:
1. Stop complaining and sharing painful feelings right now.
This will allow things to reset and give him the space he needs to breathe in the relationship.

2. Start making yourself happy! The happier a woman is the more a masculine energy man will want to contribute to her happiness. As you start shifting the focus to you and what makes you feel good- he will feel this lightness. It will feel really attractive to him as that heaviness continues to lift and be replaced by an authentic softness. He will also feel less pressure and safer to be around you again.
3. Get out of his head- letting go of trying to predict what he will think or feel, and make decisions based off of how YOU feel best vs. what you think he may want or not want. This allows us to start to learn how to trust that if has something he needs to communicate- he will. We don’t have to try to predict or guess what he may do or not do. This allows you to continue to soften as you will be living for yourself instead of what he may do or not do as a reaction to your choices and decisions. Getting out of his head so to speak gives you both freedom to be yourselves and not walk on eggshells. This is so powerful in shifting the dynamic and restoring the attraction and desire.
These are just three things you can do to get started. I promise that as you practice this- you will notice a change!

If you could use some additional tools around how to reconnect with your man, sign up for my free report and newsletters here:


Jen Michelle

Posted in

Leave a Comment